One step closer. Chapter 5 - Questions

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Manoj walks past me and greets Adi with a hug. Shyam does that too. My heart churns.

"Why did you have to insist on coming alone, I could have picked you up?" Manoj signs. He knew Adi was coming. He didn't say a word about it.

"No need, You are busy as is," Adi replies.

"You could have stayed for longer, Why did you hurry back?" It's Shyam. Longer? He has been away for long enough.

"I've been away for long enough," Adi signs, as if he has read my mind.

They continue to talk and I just stare at them and their hands, trying my best to keep up with their conversation. I can't believe I can understand most of it. The lessons helped.

Adi looks at me from time to time, but I just stand there, staring at him. I don't even have it in me to avert my gaze. He's here. He's finally here. And I'm so happy that I get to spend some time with him in this place before everything changes tomorrow.

Siri joins them, but I can't get my legs to move. I want to go too. I want to talk to him too. I can't though. What do I tell him when the only thing I really want to say doesn't feel appropriate. I missed you. There's no way I can tell him that. I am not able to accept it myself. He has always been this icy entity in my eyes and I missed him? How? Why?

As I try to grapple with my thoughts, all of them start walking into the house. Shyam grabs Adi's suitcase and brings it inside. Siri goes into the kitchen and gets him some water. Adi is in front of me and I still can't move a muscle or say a thing. I try to smile and fail. I don't feel like smiling. There's this bittersweet feeling in my heart and I don't know if I am allowed to feel it.

"Sanju, are you ok?" Siri asks. "You look pale."

Do I? My hand instinctively reaches my face.

"I'm fine," I say, taking my hand off my head.

My eyes fly back to Adi. I try not to be too obvious, but it is proving to be very difficult.

"Have you eaten anything yet? I'll go get you some food," Manoj says, looking at Adi. "And Siri, I can drop you home."

"Thank you," smiles Siri.

He now turns to Shyam and says, "Can you drive us?"

Shyam nods.

"See you tomorrow," Siri says, as she walks out of the house.

"It'll take a while, that'll be fine right?" Manoj signs looking at Adi. 

Adi nods and in a matter of seconds it's just the two of us in the house.

I keep telling myself that I should say something. I look at him again and find him looking back at him. His hair is all messed up from the travel, his face tanned, and his eyes a little red. I feel a flicker of warmth running down my spine. I shudder.

Adi takes his notepad out and starts writing on it.

"Are you alright?" the note says.

"I'm fine," I sign.

His eyes stay on me for a moment before he starts writing again.

"How have you been?"

"I'm good, How's your father? Is he alright?" I sign.

Adi looks taken aback. Did I sign wrong?

"Did I do that wrong?" I say, "I was just asking if your father is doing fine."

He shakes his head and signs, "No, you've gotten better at it."

I know that I sign slowly compared to Manoj and others, but it feels good that Adi noticed. So I smile. And he smiled back.

My eyes open wide as he does that. He smiled!!

I remember feeling extremely happy this one time when he acknowledged my smile with a nod. This feels even better than that. He actually smiled. Not a courtesy smile, no! This one is genuine, and pure, and wide. I didn't think he could do this. The tingle I felt in my spine a while ago multiplied and it's just zigzagging all through my body.

I think it'd be best if he doesn't smile often. Nods are enough. More than enough. I don't think I can handle anything more than that.

"How is the new place?" he asks.

"It's good," I reply and the conversation trails off.

Were we this terrible at holding a conversation before? But I was able to sign all through and I feel a bit happy about that.

He is always like this though. He never says much. I am different, I always had a lot to say, but strangely, at this moment, I can't seem to find any words. All I could do now, is to awkwardly stare at him.

He takes his backpack off, opens it and takes a little figurine out. It is one of my favorite Anime characters. He gives it to me. How did he know?

"How did you know?" I ask.

He points to my phone, and I realize my phone case has the same picture.

"I saw it in a little store and it reminded me of you. I thought you'd like it," he signed.

Looks like the zigzag tingles are going to stick with me for a bit longer. Or a lot longer.

"Thank you," I say. He smiles. Again.

And I feel this irresistible urge to touch it. I need to leave, right now.

"I should go home, Nanna is waiting. I'm so glad you're back, I missed you so much," The words are out of my control. "All of us did. Everyone missed you..." I try to salvage it, but I am not sure if it worked. I couldn't look into his eyes anymore, so I just pick my things up and dash out as fast as I could.

Why did I say it? How can I face him tomorrow? Thousands of questions bubble up in my head and my only hope is that I have spoken the words real fast, so there's a chance that he hasn't read them properly. How I wish that were true.

As soon as I reach home I run to my bedroom and jump on to bed. I feel this immense urge to cover myself from tip to toe and hide from humanity.

DING. My phone rings and I kinda know it's him. Whenever I leave the office late, he makes sure to ask me if I got home alright.

Aditya MS - 'Did you reach home?'

I'm right, it's him and his text gives me hope. Maybe he didn't think much about what I said earlier. If I think about it, it is completely normal for colleagues to miss each other. I just overthinked the whole thing. All is good. What was I even embarrassed about? I consider him a good colleague, so it's obvious that I miss him. Is it not?

'Yes. I'm home.' I text back.

I fall asleep while a thought constantly swirls inside my head. He's back. I can see him again tomorrow. And the day after. Everyday.

In the morning I say a silent prayer before heading to work. Let Adi not think about my words too much and Let me not think about him too much. This thing is getting out of my hands. I am the one who couldn't stand him at all. I called him names. I made faces at him. I complained about him to nanna every opportunity I got. What changed? Why is he always on my mind these days? And why am I not annoyed at the very thought of him?

By the time I reach work, everyone has already arrived. The place is new and feels a bit foreign, but it also makes me happy. We are growing. Bigger. Better. I'm so glad that we are able to attract a steady clientele and that we managed to make a name for ourselves. I look at each of the faces that are around me and I feel immense warmth inside. These people deserve every bit of success that comes our way.

The desks are arranged in a similar fashion as they were in Adi's house. So even if everything is new, it is also very familiar. I walk towards my desk, which again is across his. He is there. Right there. His head is buried in the tablet as usual. I guess I've gotten used to it, and maybe I look forward to it. Him, across me, lost in his work. I smile.

The very moment the smile crosses my face, his head snaps up towards me. My smile turns into an awkward mess and I curse his senses.

"Good morning," he says, his hand moving like a rising sun. He has never done this before. Of course he signs with me, but it's only after I do. He never initiates it. This is the first.

My smile which has melted into an awkward mess before seems to have found its soul again and I find myself grinning.

"Good morning," I sign as well, the grin plastered on my face.

He nods. I feel a lump forming in my chest. This is getting dangerous again.

I also give him a nod. Should I consider changing places? I take my eyes off him and quickly sit at my desk. It's best if I don't look at him for longer than a couple of seconds until I figure out what this weirdness is all about. I take a deep breath and turn on my computer.

Time ticks by as I work on my drafts. I try my best to avoid him and he is busy with his illustrations. So it all works out.

Manoj and Shyam have fashioned a room next to the kitchen into a lunch room of sorts. There's a huge dining table, a couch, and a couple of chairs. I have to say this is more convenient than having to carry everything from the kitchen into the conference room. I like it.

I sit at the table, waiting for others to join me. Siri comes first. Shyam, Fathima and Manoj follow.

"What about Adi and Karthik?" asks Siri.

"Adi said he'll eat later, and Karthik is working on a revision," Manoj says as he opens his lunchbox.

Later? I slide towards the door to peek at him and he catches me. I quickly shrivel and slide back. My luck is just the worst.

I try to focus on my food, and keep my thoughts about him at bay. But everything fails as he walks in.

"You said you weren't hungry," signs Majoy, looking at Adi.

"I am hungry now," Adi responds.

He goes into the kitchen and comes back with the lunch box Manoj got for him. Manoj is a good friend. I wonder how long they've known each other. Adi sits next to Manoj, which just happens to be across from me. There goes my peace. I try to focus my every last bit of attention on my food and try to eat as quickly as I can. Don't look at him. I tell myself over and over again.

Thankfully, I have a strong resolve. I managed to spend 4 days without giving him monopoly over my thoughts. I answer if he asks a question. I seek his advice if I need any. Apart from that I try to stay as distant as I can from him.

If I am being honest, this is proving to be more difficult than I thought it to be. The number of times I feel this insane need to look at him is just unbelievable. Was I doing this all the time? All these months? I am a creep?

Also, I am getting very curious about him and everything he does. Has he eaten? What is he doing? What will make him smile? What'll make him angry? How does he spend his weekends? I find myself wondering about a million little things about him. I don't need to know them, but I wish I could.

I keep wanting to know more and more about him. And whenever I overhear someone talking about him, I try to do my utmost to infiltrate the conversation. I am a creep!

Thankfully it's the weekend tomorrow. And by god, I need this time to come to terms with myself and the mess that my mind is these days.

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