One step closer. Chapter 6 - Answers

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There's a wedding in the family and Ammamma and Tatha are here for it. After spending a week avoiding his thoughts, this feels relaxing. I don't have to try so hard to avert my gaze any longer. I don't have to forcefully chuck him out of my mind. With lots of things happening around it's not difficult to keep him out of my thoughts. And the food is amazing. He'll like the desserts here.

'So much for keeping him out of your mind!' a voice inside my head hisses.

I take a plateful of food, and sit next to ammamma. Tatha has already got some food for her. He sure is attentive.

"He looks so happy," she says looking at the groom. The groom is my cousin and at this moment his face has happiness written all over it.

I chuckle. "Totally. He's glowing," I say, as a warm feeling flows through my heart. I am happy for him. And her.

"How many years has it been? It still feels like yesterday, when he barged into the house declaring that he had found the love of his life," Ammamma laughs.

Ohh, that. He was just in junior college then, and I couldn't believe my years when he did that. Amma burst into laughter then. I wish Amma was here today, she'd have been so happy.

"Almost 10 years," I say looking at ammamma. To find love, and to cherish it, and nurture it for so many years and still look like a fool in love is no easy feat. Bro is not as stupid as I expected him to be. He has got his own merits.

"What about you? Anyone you like?" Ammamma asks.

"Mmm..Adi," I nod and speak as I take one more bite of the food.

Wait, why do I feel like I've said something very important.

....

....

....

....

My mouth falls open as my brain finally catches up to my words. What did I just say? No, wrong question. Why did I say that?

I like him?

I look at ammamma all confused. She is smiling, looking genuinely pleased and curious.

"Why are you looking like that? Is that a secret?" she whispers.

I just stare at her.

"I'll not tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me," She smiles.

I shake my head in disbelief. What just happened?

I like him? Really? Why?

I thought my weekend was going to be relaxing, but it is everything but that. Ammamma has too many questions about Adi, and I, weirdly, am indulging in her curiosity. Maybe I have too many questions about the situation as well. I need to make sense of this.

I tell her a little about him. His name, his work, and his hair.

"Thicker than your hair!" she exclaims.

I nod.

"What is he like?" she asks. Hmmm. I think for a moment.

"He is nice, I guess. He is helpful and tries his best to support everyone. He is direct with his critiques and comes off as rude, but his remarks are always true. He is blunt, but genuine. He nags a lot. He doesn't smile much, but there's this gentleness to him. He's good with plants. Bad with people. He is my senior at work, and is far ahead of me if we consider our skills, but he always treats me as an equal. That might be the reason I feel comfortable working with him, arguing with him. And he feeds me. He cooked for me. I've never left the office hungry whenever he's around." I can't seem to stop myself. The way he looks at the plants. The little notes with sketch ideas he puts on my desk. The way he always meets my eyes. How his forehead wrinkles when he catches me calling him names, and how he always texts me asking if I've reached home. I have too many things to tell her. "He barely stands out and he is like a little shadow escaping into the background, but once you see it, once you know it, you can't leave it."

As I speak, I start to put reason behind my actions. This explains everything. I liked him. I like him. Definitely not at first sight, or the first couple of months, but somewhere down the line, I must have come to like all these little things. I've come to like him.

Ammammas laughter rings in my ears and brings me back to reality. I look at her and she looks back at me with this tender smile spreading on her lips.

"You like him a lot," she says.

"I like him a lot," I say as well, to let it sink in. I like him.

I talk a little more about him, about all those times he annoyed me, surprised me, and made me happy. She falls asleep listening to my endless chatter, but I can't seem to doze off. So much happened and I am yet to come to terms with it.

While leaving ammamma squeezes me in a hug and says, "tell him."

I pull my head back and look at her.

"You should tell him, he seems like a good guy," she says again. I get flustered. I just accepted that I like him, but telling him is something I didn't consider at all.

Can't I keep liking him like this? Why should I tell him? Do I want him to like me back? How do I know if I like him enough?

All of this is new to me and I don't know what to do about this. My Sunday drowns in the myriad of questions.

***

As I walk into the office, I look around for him. I am definitely not ready to face him. But I wish I could take a quick look at him.

"Are you looking for someone?" Manoj asks. I didn't notice him walking towards me earlier.

"No no," I say. "Good morning. You're early."

"I live upstairs, remember?" He smiles. "You are early as usual."

Oh. I started coming early to work after Adi started working remotely. Also I'd stay up late in the office. Did I do all that to see him if he happens to come home early in the morning or in the evening?

I shake my head involuntarily. I was hopeless.

"By the way, Adi won't be coming today," Manoj says.

"Ah! Why?" I ask urgently.

"He has a fever," Manoj says. "Don't worry though. He has taken some medicine. He should be fine by tomorrow."

I just nod. He is unwell. I try not to think about him and get on with my work, but I'm worried. He's alone at home. I understand that he's an adult and he has lived all by himself for a couple of years now, but still, I can't help feeling anxious about him being all alone while being sick. There's nothing I can do though.

Tell him. I hear ammamma's voice in my head. If I tell him, can I stay by his side? Will he let me?

As the lunch hour begins, Manoj leaves to check on Adi. I wanted to go with him, but I didn't know how to bring that up. I wish I had gathered a little more courage and followed him.

"He is fine. The temperature has gone down," Manoj says as he walks into the office.

I can see that everyone is worried about Adi. I wonder if all of them are eager to see him as well. If so, how are my feelings for him different? How do I know if I like him or if it is admiration for the person that he is?

It feels like I'm being drowned in more and more questions without finding answers for the already existing ones.

As I walk out of the office, I hear Manoj telling Shyam that he'll visit Adi at dinner time. After walking for a few minutes, I find myself in front of the familiar mustard door. It hasn't been long since I've been here. A week. Adi arrived a week earlier and in this short while everything changed. Everything changed for me.

I kept staring at the door. It is open, and I can't see Adi from here. He must be resting inside his room. 

I stand for a few more minutes wondering if it'd be ok for me to go inside. What if he is resting? I don't want to bother him. If I did see him, what would I say? Will it be ok for me to tell him that I was worried about him? Maybe I should just leave..

As I am about to turn around, I see him coming out of his room. I stop and take a good look at him as he walks towards me. He looks a little frail, his cheeks are flushed, and his eyes are glassy. How long has he been unwell?

"How are you now?" I ask. My hands, a little frantic.

"I'm ok," He signs. His eyes are red and I can sense a slight shiver in his hands.

"Shouldn't you visit a doctor?" I say. His glassy eyes fixate on my lips as I speak and he shakes his head.

"No, I took some medicine," He signs as he lets out a couple of dry coughs. "Come inside," He continues and starts walking inside.

The house has changed a lot. Instead of having lots of desks and chairs, the living room has a little couch, a bean bag, and a center table. The place where we had our status board has a TV now. There's a dining table by the window and it has a few plants on it. This is a home now.

"I'll get you some water," he signs.

"No, thank you," I say, but he is already walking towards the kitchen. He didn't see me.

I should leave. I came here to see if he's doing alright and he is.

Adi comes back with a glass of water and gives it to me.

"Thank you," I say while taking it from his hand.

He leads me to the couch and gestures to me to sit. I do. He drags the bean bag closer to the couch and sits on it.

"So, you're not avoiding me anymore?" He asks, looking straight into my eyes.

Eh?

What does he mean? My eyes widen as I look at him.

His hands start moving again, slowly this time. "You weren't talking to me unless absolutely necessary for the past week. So I thought you were avoiding me for some reason, I wasn't sure about the reason though."

Busted. What should I tell him now? Why did he even have to ask such an obviously uncomfortable question. But it is him and he always lacks tact when it comes to people. So yes, he could totally do something like this.

As I try to come up with a plausible answer, I notice his hands moving again. "Did I do something wrong?"

That question with that genuine expression on his face made me feel so little. Did I make him feel like he did something wrong?

"No," I say urgently. Loudly. I feel incredibly selfish. It was my own decision to ignore him to make things easier for my heart, but I didn't think about him at all. I didn't consider his feelings.

"No? I was thinking that I did something wrong. Good to know that I was mistaken," he signs calmly, still looking straight into my eyes. There is no hint of doubt in them. This is not right.

"No. I did avoid you, but it wasn't because you did something wrong. It was because I liked you so much and I didn't know what to do," I sign. I need to make sure he understands every word of it. I don't want to make him think that he's in the wrong, when he is not. And I just realized I like him, so how can I let him think otherwise. It's better he knows.

As he reads my signs his face turns from calmness to confusion. He doesn't do a thing for a good minute or two.

"You like me?" he signs, disbelief written all over his face.

I nod. I thought I'd be very embarrassed while confessing my feelings, but I feel strangely calm. I feel my lips curving into a small smile.

He looks even more confused.

"Are you sure?" He asks.

I was expecting a couple of questions, but this is not one of them. I thought why or when would come first. Are you sure? What should I be sure about?

"This is not right," He continues before I get to say anything. His signs are clear and his eyes determined.

"What?" I ask but he isn't looking at me. His attention is focussed on the phone in his hand.

"You should go home now," He says, lifting his head up from the phone.

"What! Why?" I ask. I just told him that I like him and he is asking me to leave?

He stretches his arm and shows me his phone. It has a Message from Manoj, that he'll be bringing food in a couple of minutes.

"But," I try to protest. Adi doesn't let me though.

He cuts me off with his signs, "We'll talk about it later."

"Later?"

"Later." 

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