One step closer. Chapter 8 - Closer

Previous chapter

Chapter links - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

"Does it hurt?" he signs, his eyes fixated on my hand.

"It doesn't, It's just uncomfortable," I say.

He looks at me for a while, and his eyes go back to my hand.

"How did it happen?" He asks.

"I slipped and fell down," I say, it would be too embarrassing to say that I was running out of the bath to take his call and slipped. .

"Stop signing," his hands are furious.

I realize I've been signing, or at least trying to. I didn't know I could do that.

"Sorry, i didn't realize, it must have been distracting," I say, sincerely. With my hand all tied up, those signs must have been hard to discern.

"No!" I feel like he's yelling now.

I am confused. Is he angry about something? About what? Is it because of me not sending him an email?

He did this once. That time when I was late and only intimated Manoj, Adi got a little angry and asked me to keep him posted if anything like that were to happen again. But, isn't it too much to come home to see me for something like that? Impossible. It must not be that.

"Is everything alright about the project?" I ask. I could only think of two scenarios that would make him come here. One is that there might be something wrong with the project we worked on and two, he is worried. So worried that he had to come see me in person. I went through the second scenario once because of him. I confessed that day.

It's impossible though. He is definitely concerned about me, I know that, but he is concerned about everyone. I know he is kind, I like him for that. However, I'm not sure if he's worried to the extent that he'd come and check on me. So it must be work. Something went wrong. What though? Everything was fine yesterday.

He looks at me with pained eyes and his hands start moving slowly.

"I called you. I've been calling you, but it wouldn't get through. Then Manoj said you broke your hand and I was worried. I wanted to see for myself."

It's not work? It's about me? Why?

Every logical cell in my body is screaming that he might actually like me, but I don't want to hold on to false hope. Unless he tells me himself, I am not going to get on that fantasy train. "Sorry. I broke my phone, so I couldn't call you back," I say, as calmly as I can. "I am fine though."

He sighs. Why is he sighing?

I realize we've been standing at the door all the while.

"Come inside," I say, leading the way in.

He follows me.

I point to the couch and he sits on it. This whole thing is giving me a deja-vu and feels a little ominous.

"I need to talk to you," he signs. Is it me or does he look flustered? No. No. Earth to Sanju. Earth to Sanju. Don't let your head run in the clouds. Over.

"Ok," I say, nodding my head.

"You said you like me," He says. His hands move like little whispers.

I know. I did. But how am I supposed to react to that? It is not a question. What am I supposed to say?

I just give him a nod.

"You still do?" He asks.

Woah. It feels like he's set on making me confess my feelings again.

"What difference does it make, you already told me that it's not right," I say. "Why talk about it again?" Why do I feel so restless?

"We agreed to talk about it later," he says and stands up looking very anxious.

"Can we not talk about this? I know you were going to talk me out of it.". I've been putting off this conversation, but I pretty much know what he'd say.

"Please," He says, his hand rubbing against his chest.

"No," I say. 

His face has a big question mark as his hand asks "Why?"

"I don't want to get an elaborate rejection. Thank you. Sorry." There, I said it.

"Who said anything about rejection?" He asks. His hands slowing down and the confusion still evident on his face.

"Oh, you weren't planning to?" I ask, a little confused and a little hopeful. Did I imagine all that, he wasn't planning to turn me down?

He turns a little pale and says, "I was.."

Huh! I glare at him.

I know it is his choice to like me back or not, but why did he have to be so ambiguous about it? I almost found a little hope there.

"I understand," I say, trying to gather all the calm I could afford at the moment.

"No, you don't."

There he goes. Why is this conversation going in circles? I think I should just let him say it and get it over with.

"Ok. Go on!" I give up. How to handle a Rejection 101 - here I come.

I cross my hands, even though it is a bit uncomfortable with the cast. But something inside me says, I shouldn't be meek now. So, I assume the most aggressive posture I know.

He doesn't move. He looks as if he's lost in thought. What is he doing? Just a minute ago, he looked like he had so much to say, and now he isn't saying a thing.

After a couple of seconds, he takes a deep breath, and his hands come to life in this subtle dance, "I was surprised when you said you liked me, I said it isn't right because I know how difficult it is to be with me. I am the only deaf person in my family, and I lost my hearing when I was eight. Though I can hear loud noises, I can't hear normal conversations. I've seen my parents and elder brother, trying to learn the language, and accommodate things for me. It wasn't easy. All of them would sign at the dinner table instead of talking to each other to make sure I wouldn't get lonely. My friends had to do that as well. Whenever I am around, they'd be extra conscious to accommodate me and to include me. It takes a lot of effort and I don't think it'd be fair on my part to expect it or to take it for granted. So, when I say it's not right, I mean it's not right for you. It's not that I don't like you, I don't know if I'm allowed to.."

His eyes have a trace of gloss and his hands have a little shiver to them. This must have been difficult for him, to let it all out. And I can imagine it'd be deeper than that and I only got to see the surface of it, yet I'm thankful that he'd let me see this part of him.

I let my arms down and take a step towards him. He freezes. His eyes open wide and I just look straight into them. I need to clarify this for him.

"They didn't do it for you, they did it for themselves. Your family and your friends, I'm sure they do it because they want to talk to you more...because they want to get closer to you. And they want to be around you. I do too. I want to be with you as much as I can. I miss you when you're not with me. I don't know how to put it into words but you are all I can think about. You intrigue me, you annoy me, and you make me mad, but you also care for me, guide me and are always there for me. I can't help liking you more and more. I understand it must be difficult, but can you try to trust me on this? Can you be with me? And I'm sure you'll come to see how much I love being with you. You'll come to see that whatever I do is because of my selfish need to be with you. Can I be with you?"

As I say these words, I can't shake this feeling off that it sounded so much like a proposal. Why am I doing everything? I am the one to confess, and I am also the one to propose? I wish he'd say yes though. Please.

"It is not going to be easy, you don't understand," His hands move hopelessly.

"I know, but you'll be there with me right? You're going to teach me right?" I ask. All i can do is wait for him. It's not that he doesn't like me, he's just afraid of how things will turn out. 

The look on his face turns gentle, but he doesn't say a thing. His hands do not move an inch.

After contemplating for a couple of minutes, which felt like hours for me. Pins and needles and some butterflies later, he nods. He nods.

I feel like I can finally breathe.

I remember feeling extremely happy when he reciprocated my smile with a nod for the first time. And today after so many months, I am feeling giddy because of another nod. If a nod is enough to make me feel like this, I am a goner.

But this is so different. His face is awash with emotions and it's just too adorable. How is he hiding all this behind that indifferent face? His eyes are welled up to the brim and I see a tear or two making an escape from them. He's crying? Why? What should I do?

I stretch my hand to reach his face. Has he always been this tall? I wipe a tear off, and he catches my hand and holds it by his eyes. I can feel a warm trail of tears going along my palm and it breaks me. Why is he crying?

I take another step closer, not knowing how to comfort him. He drops his head into my shoulder.

 Maybe this is enough, being here.

We stay like that until we feel a gush of wind coming at us from the window. He then raises his head, gently brings my hand back to my side, and takes a step back.

"I like you," he says with his arms crossed on his chest and his face illuminated with the gentlest of smiles.

I melt. I smile and try to close the gap between us with a hug, but I end up bumping my right hand into him.

'Ouch.'

He takes my hand into his, and looks at me questioning, "Are you alright?"

I nod and then run into him again. Properly this time. I hear a chuckle and his hands wrap around me as well.

This feels warm. This feels right.

I hear someone coming through the door. It must be Nanna. I push Adi away and he falls on the couch. He gives me a questioning look and I whisper 'Nanna.'

Adi quickly adjusts his hair and his posture and it looks so endearing. I've always seen him so calm and composed. Looking at him all shy and flustered like this is new and I'm loving this.

I laugh and she shoots another 'why' at me and I just shake my head. He might not like it if I tell him that he's adorable, right?

Nanna walks in, looks at me, and gives me a warm smile. He knows.

He then turns to Adi and invites him to join us for dinner.

"Can I?" Adi signs looking at me.

I nod and he smiles.

Eating along with the two of them feels so good. These two are definitely going to get along and I can almost imagine them discussing dishes to cook. I am so so glad that this happened. It feels like a blessing.

And I hope we get to spend more and more time together for a long long time.

I look at Nanna, and at Adi, and they look back at me with a smile.

My heart warms up all over again.

I really really lucked out.

—-

Our story starts here. I believe happy endings aren't actually the ends, they are journeys. As we embark on our happiest journey, I'll make sure to share some snippets now and then - with his permission of course. He might say no, considering his unexpected shy side, but I think he'll give in. 

Next chapter