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Mint Animation Studio. Our dream, and we finally made it come true. Three years into turning our little home setup into a Studio, I could say we are doing good enough. We have a good number of amazing artists, who are mostly our friends, and have a couple of decent projects in hand, and our prospects are looking good as well. Even if I say so myself.
And we are finally going to hire someone new.
Our studio has been a close knit group, so it feels a little strange to let someone new in, but I know this is to happen. And it's nice that this is happening, we are growing.
Manoj has been interviewing people over Zoom calls for a week now, and though we have some amazing talented people apply, the budget isn’t working, and sometimes, we just get this impression that we wouldn’t click.
I look at the interviewee list I have in hand, we have three more interviews lined up today. Well, Manoj takes them, I just sit next to him, properly out of frame but following along. If I have questions, I just have to write them down, and slide the note to him. He’d take care of the rest.
I am deaf. Have been for years. I lost my hearing when I was about 8 years old. I could listen to loud sounds, but normal conversations are difficult for me. I can read lips though, so if people are facing me and are talking at a moderate pace, I can understand them quite well.
Manoj turns to me looking quite exhausted, “How many to go?” he signs.
“3,” I show the number on my hand.
He sighs. “I wish we could find someone today.”
I do too.
In a couple of minutes, the monitor in front of me comes to life again. Two frames. Manoj in one and a girl in another. Looking at both of them on another screen makes it easy for me to follow the conversation.
I look at her name. Sanjusha.
Her resume says she has worked as an accountant before, but shifted careers after learning to draw. That must have been a difficult choice. Learning art from a young age is different to learning it as an adult. When we are young, we tend to be fearless, and we don’t yet have this idea of perfection and we seem to believe that everything we do is peerless, this very confidence wanes as we grow up. Perhaps that's why I always have immense respect for people who try to learn something new as adults. They have to deal with learning a new skill as well as their bumbling apprehensions. And mastering the said skill is a testament to their perseverance. Just looking at her here, and the amazing work in her portfolio show that. She must have worked extremely hard.
Manoj seems to have the same opinion looking at how his tired face lights up. In our industry, perseverance is everything.
Manoj looks at me with raised brows and I nod. She’s in.
Sanju. It’s what she asked Manoj to call her.
****
She’ll be coming today. It has been so long since we had someone new working with us, so I feel a little odd. I’m taking a walk to clear my mind. Usually I'd be sleeping sound, but I feel a little restless. When people meet me for the first time, their eyes shower pity and I never liked that happening. I know people have the best intentions, but it just makes me feel distant. There’s no helping it though.
I look at my phone, and look at her profile on Behance again. I scroll through her illustrations. Neat work.
I feel a tap on my shoulder. Who is it? I turn around at once, and I find her looking at me. Sanju? She looks a little embarrassed.
“I'm sorry, but could you let us know where the Care hospital is?” She asks.
Why is she looking for the Care Hospital? Shouldn’t she be looking for the studio? And why is she here this early?
I see a teenage girl and an elderly lady behind her. Is she asking directions for them?
I point to the hospital, it's quite close.
“The blue building?” She asks.
I nod. The grandmother behind her looks a little strangely at me. Is it my hair? I guess I should leave. I quickly turn around and start walking away.
After taking a couple of steps, I stop, What if she needs directions to get to the studio?
I turn around, and she turns around as well, at the same time. But why is she walking with them? Isn’t she coming to the studio?
I see her saying something to me, but she’s a bit far from me, and I can't seem to read her lips properly. I try to look more intently, but she just turns around and continues walking with them. Judging from her expression, it must be a thank you. But the expression that followed it is something else… Confusion? Embarrassment? Why, though?
One hour. It has been an hour since I gave her directions to the hospital, and she’s not here yet.
Where is she? What is she doing?
I put my thoughts aside and head into the shower.
***
Manoj walks into my room.
“Sanju is here,” he says, “She seems nice.”
“I know,” I sign, she felt like a nice person.
“You know?” he signs back, curiosity brimming in his eyes.
I tell him all about the morning.
“She’s met you first then, that’s new. Usually I’m the first to meet them,” He says, his expression rather amused.
I smile. Not him getting competitive about trivial things.
“I’ll go and show her to her desk,” he says and steps out of the room.
***
She’s looking at the illustrations on the wall. Her head moves from one to another, slowly, as if she’s deliberately talking time to look at each of them.
I look around and I find Manoj talking to Shyam at the other end of the hall.
Should I wait till he gets here?
He’s taking forever. I knock twice on my desk, her head follows the sound, and her eyes are on my fist now. They slowly move up to my face and I can see she’s confused.
It’s understandable though.
Manoj comes right at the moment, puts his arm around my shoulder and introduces her to me as if I didn’t know her already.
"Hi. Glad to meet you," she says with a huge smile. She’s a smiler, unlike me. Though I try to smile in social situations, it doesn’t really come naturally to me, unless I’m quite familiar with a person. Wait? Did I nod already? Or did I not? I don’t remember. I nod again, hesitant. A double nod is better than no nod at all.
I sit at my desk and she at hers. I look at her again, we finally have a new character designer.
Manoj tells her something and leaves.
Her eyes scan the entire place and she's all smiles. Warm little smiles.
I try to draw something, but her eyes are placed firmly on me and I can’t move a muscle. Does she want to ask me something?
I look at her and raise my brows as if asking What happened?
She immediately turns her eyes down and I notice her lips move as she’s about to hide behind her ipad.
Scary.
Scary? Me?
***
“She chose the forest spirits one,” Manoj tells me.
I nod.
“What happened?” He asks.
“What?”
“You look iffy,” He signs.
Because I am. She said that I am scary!
I shake my head and Manoj leaves it at that.
I see her walking towards me and I look at her.
She smiles at me. Did I misunderstand something? She genuinely seems nice!
That ‘scary’ might not be meant for me.
***
She has been working with us for a couple of months now, and I'm sure that the ‘scary’ was indeed for me. She does reserve such niceties particularly for me. Me alone. Why do I sound boastful about that?
On the day my caps lock won't turn off, I caught her saying ‘Ice King’ and ‘Angry bird’ in the kitchen. Well caught her reflection in the window. Same thing.
I knew it was meant for me, the way her face flustered and she mouthed sorry said it all. But Ice King? Angry bird?
Why am I thinking about that now! Work, Adi, work.
I look up and I find her staring at me. Again? What is she thinking now? Did she come up with new names for me?
I quickly get to my chat box and type in 'Stop staring at me and start working on the tailor-man design. It's due tomorrow.'
I feel better. I know I’m being petty, but I am a bit bothered.
Despite all this rather weird rivalry going on between us, I know that she is actually quite nice.
She is quite good to everyone at work as well. Also there’s the time, when the teenage girl she was with on the road that day, came to our office once and she was going on and on about how helpful Sanju was. I didn’t mean to pry or know more details, but I just happened to pass by them, and read some of the things the girl was saying. You meet her once, and you’ll know that she genuinely cares. She smiles at everyone with such warmth.
What exactly have I done? Why am I the ice king, when she’s the one who is icy towards me? She doesn’t even smile at me.
Her design is due tomorrow. The final changes are taking longer than we expected. Everyone has already left and it's just us now. We finally decide upon the design and she starts packing her things. I look at the time. 8:00 PM.
I try to send a message to her office chat, but she turns her computer off and is on her feet already.
She must be hungry by now. She has been working on these since 2 in the afternoon.
I take my phone out and send her a text.
She doesn't read it. The phone is in her hand, and I can see it light up, but she isn’t looking at it. Why?
I knock on the desk, and she turns around, looking rather unpleasant.
Why does she do this to me? Why am I the only one at the receiving end of her not-so-nice looks?
I point to the phone in her hand, and she reluctantly takes a look at it.
Her facial expression changes from reluctance to surprise. What is she surprised for?
"No, thank you. My father is waiting for me," she says.
“Oh. Ok. Sorry for holding you up this late.” I text back.
"No. No. I know you are helping me. Sorry that you had to work for longer because of me," she says. Looking rather sincere. What happened? Why is she looking at me like that?
"Ok, i've to leave now. Will see you tomorrow." She says and starts walking away.
“Text me when you get home.” I type and send.
She turns around, and I sign ‘text me’ and she gives me this supremely confused look.
What is happening? What has she taken me for?
This girl!
***
It has been over an hour since she left and there’s no text yet. Did she reach home? Has she forgotten to text me?
I quickly take my phone out and send her a text, and I get one from her almost immediately. She’s home. Good.
I send another text almost involuntarily, Good Night, i type, and continue it with a see you tomorrow.
***
I stub my toe as I shake my legs nervously. Ouch.
Why isn’t she here yet? She has never been late to work. Did something happen?
I look over at Manoj, who’s busy talking to a client. Does he know anything?
My eyes keep flying towards the main door, hoping that she’d walk in any moment. Or is she simply running late. I know it happens. However, she could have texted me if that were the case. Why hasn’t she? She has my number. She clearly texted me yesterday.
After what felt like hours, it was merely minutes - but waiting does weird things to the passage of time - she comes. She looks alright. Thank god. I feel relieved. Why do I feel relieved?
She walks towards her desk with her head facing firmly down. She quickly reaches her desk, turns her computer on, and starts working.
Why isn’t she looking at me?
I reach my keyboard and send her a text.
‘You are late.’
‘I’m sorry. Something came up.’ Her reply is almost immediate, but she still isn’t looking at me.
‘You should’ve texted.’
‘I texted Manoj that I'd be late.’ Another reply comes right away. It makes sense, Manoj is the first one people would reach out to, I know it, but why does it feel a little unsettling. Aren’t I much closer to her? Amongst everyone here, I am the one she spends most time with. I am next to her all day.
‘Oh, You should have texted me as well.’ At this point my hand and thoughts are way beyond my control and I am mentally chiding myself for them.
Her eyes shoot up to me. Finally.
I feel like I can finally relax. She’s here. She’s fine. She’s looking at me like she always does. Everything is back to normal.
I send a couple more texts to her, and I see a smile spreading on her face. How long has it been since one of her smiles is directed at me. She’s not hostile or rude towards me, but she’s not as friendly as she’s with others here. With me she’s cordial at best. Is it something I did? But what did I do?
This smile however is different, it’s pleasant and there’s a hint of surprise and happiness in it. It feels good. Her smile. Better even, when it's for me. After trying and failing and trying and failing to summon a smile, I nod. Why am I feeling so conscious because of a smile?
Her smile widens and I just look at her in awe. I must have done something right. But what did I do? If only I knew, I’d do it more often.
***
"I'll have food at home from tomorrow, you don't have to do this for me." She says, looking at me.
'Why?'
We have been eating dinner together for a couple of days now. We are working on a project together, and it is taking so much time that she has to stay overtime almost everyday. I just wanted to make sure she isn’t hungry by the time she leaves.
"We can't order food everyday, I can just go home to eat," she says.
I nod, but I don’t like it. Having dinner has become a pleasant little routine for me. What can I do to make these last longer? I’m sure she’s not uncomfortable with me, she has never made me feel so. If she doesn’t want to order food everyday, should I… cook?
Can i?
***
She looks at the lunch box with disbelief in her eyes.
“You made these?” She asks.
I nod.
“You didn’t have to do this,” She says, but I grab my notepad before she can say anything else, and start writing on it.
‘Eat before you leave. It’ll be too late by the time you reach home.’
“But,” she tries to say something, but I cut her off with a sign. Eat.
How do I tell her that I had to do this?
She tastes the food and just stares at it for a while. Is it that bad?
I know my cooking is far from what is considered to be tasty, but it is at least edible. I tasted it earlier, a million times, to make sure it isn’t entirely unpalatable.
She eats everything, every last morsel, and finally with a smile on her face, says “Thank you.”
I nod. I’m sure the happiness I’m feeling inside isn’t being translated onto my face, but this is good enough. This is more than enough.
***
She hasn’t been here for 2 weeks now. I know it is her first vacation and that she needed it, but I didn't expect it to be this difficult.
Though I have a couple of people accompany me for dinner, it isn't complete. It doesn’t compare.
Manoj passes me the cabbage curry. She doesn’t like it. She prefers plantain, Okra, and some well cooked bitter gourd even, but never cabbage.
But she isn’t here anyway, and she might not be here ever again. Never?
***
When I look up, I can’t find her across from me, it feels unsettling. I look at my empty water bottle and I miss her. Whenever she goes into the kitchen to fill up her water bottle, she takes mine as well. I never asked her to, it is something she does. And I do too, if I were the one going. It feels almost lonely now, to carry a single water bottle back.
She had noticed I liked lemon drops, and she’d bring them for me once in a while. I miss the lemon drops. I know I could buy them myself, but it’s just not the same.
Whenever it's her turn to cook, she’d always cook my favorite dishes. I never told her any of that, she just figured it out herself. It feels like I'm still the one she reserves the nice things for. Real nice things this time around.
When I am being bull headed about something, she reins me in. Says a stern no. People mostly have trouble turning me down, or saying no to me, I guess that comes from them feeling sorry for me in a way. I know they mean no harm, but it doesn't feel very good being a subject of constant pity. But with her, it's different. She looks at me for who I’m. If I’m rude, I’m rude. If I’m nice, I’m nice. Yes I am deaf, but I am also a million other things to her and to know that she sees me for who I am, feels so liberating. Even if she is feeling a silver of pity for me deep inside, she never let it show. And that makes everything so easy, so effortless. So fun.
Two more days and I’ll see her.
***
“I’m coming right away,” I sign as I look at amma on the other side of the video call. She looks worried, her eyes filled with tears, and her lips trembling. She manages to sign a couple of things with her shaky hands, but it’s just so hard looking at her like that. I hate that I am not by her side.
I tell Manoj all about my fathers accident, I promise him that I’ll work from home for the time being.
“Don’t think about your work, take care of your father,” he signs.
“Tell her,” I sign and he looks confused, “But not right now, after she returns from her vacation. Tell her.”
Manoj looks at me with a strange look in his eyes. Is it, relief? Happiness? Both? I don’t know.
“I will,” he signs.
I nod and leave.
***
It has been a month already. Nanna is doing much better. I don’t think I've met so many of our relatives after I left for college. I don’t have anything against them, but their sorry looks get to me. I know I shouldn’t, but I sometimes end up reading their lips and they are more often than not unpleasant.
‘The boy has a good job, he makes cartoons it seems. If only he isn’t deaf.’
‘I can’t imagine how worried his parents are for him.’
‘What? He’s deaf. Ayyo.’
‘He’s deaf? Thank goodness you told me. I wanted to match him up with my niece.’
They mean well, I know that, but 20 years of being at the receiving end of those concerned comments, messed with something inside me. And being the only deaf person in the family, makes me feel sorry for my parents, and my brother. Their lives aren’t the same because of me. No No. My head is going there again.
Her face comes to my mind, glaring at me. ‘You are thinking too much’ she might say. She did say that when I told her about why I wouldn't attend conventions. I was afraid that I’d make things uncomfortable for others and myself, so I decided it’s better if i don’t attend.
“You are thinking too much,” She said back then. “But again, if it makes you uncomfortable, it’s up to you. But if you ever want to attend one, tell us. We’ll show you off. Our own God of backgrounds.” She flaunted a very sweet smile after saying that and it warmed me up from the inside.
It still does. I miss her.
I take my phone and call Manoj. His face appears on the screen immediately.
“Hey, how are you? How is dad?” His fingers move on the screen.
“I am good. Dad is getting better,” I reply.
He stares at me for a moment, before his fingers break into words, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I sign, “just too many people here.”
I have always been uncomfortable being around many people. But given that Dad is unwell, people keep coming to visit him, so there’s no escaping this.
“Oh,” Manoj signs.
I ask him to show me around the studio, in a desperate attempt to catch a glimpse of her. This is not the first time and Manoj seems to have gotten used to my bizarre request. He must have figured it out. After the first few times, he’d always flip the camera and show me just what I wanted to see. Her.
She calms me. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve come to realize that whenever she’s around, I find myself feeling at ease, feeling happy without any apparent reason. Perhaps, her being around is all the reason I need.
Manoj gives me a smile, and flips his camera, and I see her. Looking straight at me. Can she see me?
I sign my thoughts.
Manoj flips the camera back to him and signs, “No, she keeps looking at me when I am on a call with you. Maybe she misses you as well.” He looks very convinced with his reasoning. As if.
He flips the camera again, and she’s on the screen. I look at her, for a minute, and more, and I glare at Manoj when he abruptly turns the camera back to him.
“Enough,” he signs. “I have to get back to work.”
I continue glaring at him.
“If you want to see her, call her yourself,” he signs before hanging up. As if I could. I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. This is enough.
***
I planned on staying here for two months, but it got extended and it's almost 3 months now.
Manoj found a new place for our studio and they are shifting tomorrow. Thankfully the new place is very close to the old one. He shared a bunch of videos with me and now I feel like I walked the place myself.
“Take care of yourself, and call us often,” Mom says, with a tiny tear escaping her eye. It isn’t going to remain tiny for long though, she’s about to bawl. I’ve seen this happen so many times.
I nod and give her a hug.
“Call us when you board the train,” Dad says, joining the hug.
“I still don’t understand what the rush is. You can stay here for a couple more days,” My brother complains. I’ve already extended my stay here for a month for him, and he’s still complaining.
But I know I need to go now. They are moving to the new office tomorrow. So it has to be today. I need to see her today, in the place we’ve spent so much time together, before everything changes tomorrow.
***
I call Manoj, and he tells me that they’ve shifted all the furniture and that we are all set to start in the new office tomorrow. He also helps me see her. She’s busy organizing some books into cartons.
“Do you think she’ll stay until I come?” I sign, a little hesitant.
“It looks like she will,” he says, with a smile.
I have 2 more hours to go. It’ll be past work time for her, but I hope she stays for a little longer.
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Much Love,
Anu
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